Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
How I Talk Myself Down: An Unemployment Checklist
There comes a time in every job search when you start awakening with a
start in the middle of the night, covered in a sheen of sweat and vague
recollections of a nightmare about working at Starbucks and maybe at
some point you were bottle-feeding a kitten that morphs into a baby
piglet. This time usually coincides with the last few weeks of your
unemployment checks, right around the time you’re cataloguing every
mistake you made looking for freelance work during the past seven months
and my God, why didn’t you apply for all the jobs, just to be safe?
Gentle hints from loved ones about maybe getting a full-time job and
freelancing on the side will also start making you reach for the Xanax
you don’t take because you’re an alcoholic and as such have forfeited
every privilege involving anxiety relief except for yoga, and let’s face
it, yoga is a bunch of bullshit when you’re contemplating admitting
you’re a failure because you’re nothing if not dramatic when you’re
panicking. Also, you’re conveniently sick, so physical activity of any
kind is strictly out of the question.
Never fear, reader, because I have a fail-safe plan for talking
yourself down from the recurrent thoughts of how to instigate your own
death and make it look like an accident.
Take twenty deep breaths and slow exhales. For reals. Then, remember these truths:
- You are not going to die from unemployment
- There are worse things than working as a barista at
- You’re not in rehab
- You’re also not drunk, so go you!